You Stepped in What?
(Funny but true stories about ordinary people like you and me)

Scotland...New Zealand
"I have always wanted to go to New Zealand. It just looks so beautiful there. Every time I watch the Lord of the Ring movies or Braveheart it just makes me want to go even more," Sabrina said to me one day at work.
"Wait, Braveheart is a Scottish movie. William Wallace was a highlander from Scotland," I correct her.
"Oh whatever, you know what I mean though. Doesn't that scenery in those movies just make you go to New Zealand?" Sabrina asks.
"A movie about Scotland makes you want to go to New Zealand?" I clarify.
"Yes, I just think it looks like the most beautiful place," she continues.
I look over at Margie who is sitting next to me.
She's trying not to laugh as she shakes her head.


That's a Yam
I walk into the produce section of a local grocery store in Santee, South Carolina. I wondering around trying to find what I need for thanksgiving dinner.
"What are you looking for?" a store worker asks.
"Russet potatoes," I reply.
The store worker points to my left.
I turn to see where he is pointing.
"Those are red potatoes. I was trying to find brown potatoes," I answer.
He points to my right.
I turn and look where he is pointing.
"Those are yams," I answer back.
"Look, I don't know where you come from but around here, them there are your only two choices lady," he says getting annoyed with me.
"I come from Idaho," I reply.
"Never heard of it and why would I care. Is that supposed to make you some kind of potato expert or something," he snaps back.
I heard someone clear their throat behind me. I turned to see an elderly lady standing there.
"Darlin, I think you be after those," she says with her southern belle charm.
I look past the tower of apples to where she's pointing and sure enough there is a small pile of brown, russet potatoes.
"Thank you," I reply with a nod.
As I walk away I hear the lady speaking to the store worker.
"Boy, you better get on outta here before you realize you are as dumb as you are rude."


Illinois
"You don't sound like you are from around here. Where'd you say you'd from?" asked a fellow co-worker.
"I'm from Idaho," I replied.
"Idaho? Is that by Illinois?" she asked.
"Um, nope, not quite," I replied trying to be polite.
"Ya it is, up north, cold country, by Illinois," she said with a reassuring nod and turned and walked away.
I just stood there and watched her leave.

Real Hair
"Girl is that your real hair? Git on over here and let me see em," said the elderly lady behind me in the grocery line.
(Being white made one the minority in this town so my red hair really stood out.)
She reached up and roughly ran her long, fake fingernails through my hair.
"Yes, m'am that's my real hair," I replied as I finished paying for my groceries.
"Ah you white girls and you Barbie sleek hair, hmm mmm hmm mmm mmm," she said with flavor. "Alright now get going it's my turn now," she said all but shoving me out of the way.
I chuckled as I hurried to get out of her way.

Southern Belle
There I stood there next to Miss Claudia Joy's car.
She asked me "what you up to later this evening darlin?"
I was having a hard focusing on what she was saying for I couldn't get over the way she looked. Ruby-red lips, bright colored sundress and hair all up neat in a pin.
"I um... I'm going into town tonight," I finally managed to reply.
"Ooo darlin' when you get there you get yourself on over to the Giggling Gator and get yourself some sugary goodness," she said with her lavish southern accent.
It was all I could do not to laugh.
"Yes m'am," was all I managed to say.
"Bye now darlin y' take care," she said as she drove away vigorously waving out the window as she went.
I just stood there laughing.
"Now that is a southern belle," I stated.

Texas Charm
I'm dressed and ready for church so I head on out the door. As I'm walking to my truck I notice my very southern Baptist neighbor sitting outside in his usual lawn-chair.
I wave at him and say good morning.
He tips his cowboy hat at me politely and replies,
"Darling you be looking like you'll be puttin' these Texas boys' mind on the wrong side of God's good graces."
I laughed so hard I had to lean against my truck to keep from falling off my stiletto heels.

St. Patty Girl
"Go out and find that St. Patty girl would you?" I hear two fellow nurses saying from inside a patient's room.
A few seconds later one of the nurses appears in the hallway.
"Hey St. Patty, we need an extra pair of hands in here girl," she says gesturing for me to follow.
I hurry into the room to help out.
After the patient had been taken care of we all exit the room.
"Thanks Patty honey," the other nurse says with a smile.
"Of course but why are you all calling me Patty? My name is actually Whitney," I say.
"Oh take no offense by it girl. Ya see you're new here and we didn't know your name. So with it being St. Patrick's day yesterday, well, honey you kinda look like one of them Irish chicks so we all been calling you St. Patty," she answered with a nod.
I laugh at her reply.
"Well I've been called far worse so St. Patty it is then," I reply still laughing.

Cashier's Check
I walk into my local bank.
"Hi, I need a cashier's check from my checking account for $35 written out to College of Southern Idaho," I ask.
"Sure," the banker replies and starts clicking on her computer keyboard.
A few minutes later she tells me to look at the screen and see if everything is correct. This is what I see.
A cashier's check from my saving account for $35 made out to Colledge of Sourthern Idiao.
"Um, I need it from my checking account, college doesn't have a "d" in it, southern only has one "r" and Idaho is spelled
I D A H O," I reply.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Here, I'll start over," she answered with a timid smile.
A few seconds later she tells me to look at the screen and see if everything is correct.
"Well, closer but I still need the money pulled from my checking account and there is still an extra "r" in the word southern," I answer again.
Finally on the third try she gets it right.
"Sorry about that, you have a nice day," the banker replies with a pleasant smile as she hands me my cashier's check.
As I'm walking out of the bank I strongly consider going back, withdrawing all my money and stuffing it in my mattress at home. It might safer there.


Is that in Wyoming?
"Wow what a beautiful necklace. Is it a seashell?" a lady asks me.
"Thank you and yes, I got it in Belize," I reply. The lady thinks for a moment.
"Is that in Wyoming?" she finally replies.
"Uh... yeah Belize, Wyoming," I answer, turn and walk away.

Pistols and Holsters
My friend Eric and I were At Yellowstone National Park having dinner at a cowboy themed restaurant. After our meal we both headed to the restrooms. When we reached the two bathroom doors we both paused. Instead of the signs reading "Men" and "Women" the two doors read "Pistols" and "Holsters". We both stood there for a second.
"Oh, holster, got it," I finally said.
Eric laughed and replied "Pistol, that's awesome."
We both crossed in front of each other and entered the appropriate restroom.

Don't You Mean World War One?
"An example of unethical human experiences is what the Nazi's did to the Jews during World War Two," I said in my presentation for one of my school classes.
"Don't you mean World War One?" the teacher interrupted.
I paused for a second.
"Um, I'm pretty sure I mean World War Two," I reply.
"I'm pretty sure you mean World War One," the teacher answers.
A fellow student leans over to me.
"Even I know it was World War Two and I'm from India," he replies.
 

Medical Problem
"Do you have an medical problems?" the nurse asks the patient.
"No," the patient replies.
"Really? Because your chart indicates you are on medication to treat high blood pressure, diabetes and cancer," the nurse says confused.
"Yeah I have all those," the patient replies.
"Um... those would consider medical problems," the nurse answers.

The 9th Wheel
My friend's 30 birthday is coming up and she wants to do dinner and hot-tubing. The only problem is everyone going is bringing their significant other, crap. I had a date all lined up who then promptly called and cancelled the night before. Here's how the conversation went between me and the birthday girl.
"So the guy I was bringing to your birthday gig tomorrow just called and bailed," I say to her.
"Oh bummer, his loss, you know you don't need a date to come hang out with us," she replies sincerely.
"I know, you guys are all wonderful but I'm always throwing off the nice, even, couples number," I reply.
"So you are going to be the 3rd wheel again, no big deal," she replies.
"Actually there are four couples going to that would make me the 9th wheel," I reply.
"Um... well, ya it kinda does," she replies not sure what else to say. 
"I think I've hit a whole new low," I reply.
"Need a hug?" she asks.
"Ya," I reply.

Holiday Inn
I'm loading my groceries into my truck when I hear tires screeching, then a thump, then a scream. Crap I think to myself as I turn and see a truck parked sideways in the road, a pedal bike all bent and broken and a guy bleeding on the pavement. I head over and start looking the guy over. After a quick assessment I determine he will be fine. A banged up left shoulder and a cut on his head (head wounds always look worse than they are). 
"You'll be sore tomorrow and you need a few staples in your head but you're alright" I say to the guy. He nods to me from the pavement. 
A by stander leans forward and looks me in the eyes. 
"Do you know what you're doing?" he asks me with a serious look on his face.
"No but I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night," I reply.
The guy laying onto the pavement chuckles.

So I'd Love to Go
Me: "Hi Scott this is Whitney. I need a date to this concert next week. You wanna go with me?"
Scott: "Yeah, I'd love to go. I'm in a relationship but it's not serious so it should be fine so I'd love to go."
...
Me: "Um, I don't really date other women's boyfriends so thank anyway."

Macgyver Never Looked so Good
"Arrg! This stupid computer is broken. I can't get this screw loose to fix it and the scanner wouldn't stay plugged in. Piece of junk," Brian says obviously annoyed.
I walk over to the computer and look it over. I pull out my nail-file and untwist the screw. Next, I pull out a gum wrapper, rip it in half and jam it under the scanner's connector to keep it in place. 
"Here now try it," I say pushing the computer back over to Brian.
Brian smiles at me and says "Did you just fix this using a nail-file and a gum wrapper?"
I wink at him.
"Macgyver has never looked so good," he says.
We both laugh.

Oh Those Illegal Drugs
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Patient: No Ma'am.
Nurse: Do you do any illegal drugs?
Patient: No Ma'am.
Nurse: Really, because you tested positive for alcohol, heroin, meth, cocaine and pot.
Patient: Oh you mean those illegal drugs. Um yes, I may have done a few recreational activities this weekend and I may drink on occasion.
Nurse: You don't say.

Let Me Know How Well that Works for You
I am taking some online classes and this is a post I read between a fellow student and our instructor.
Student: My internet was down yesterday so I wasn't able to post my assignment on time.
Instructor: Next time that happens email me and let me know your assignment is going to be late.
Student: Um... next time your internet goes down email me and let me know how well that works for you.

Classic Case
I put on my gloves as I walk out of the ER doors to meet the ambulance that just pulled up.
"Hey, whatcha got for me?" I ask the paramedic as I help him unload the young boy from the back of the ambulance.
"The classic case of  four, drunk, adults and one kid in a car and the car was driving its self when it smashed into a tree," the paramedic replies rolling his eyes.
"Cars don't drive by themselves silly," the little boy on the stretcher pipes up. "Uncle Scotty was driving  when we hit the tree," the boy innocently says.
The paramedic looks at me with a smile "Someone get this kid a sticker."

"It was still Dumb"
I'm walking out of the movie theater with my blind date.
"So did you like it?" I ask him.
"No, not really. I didn't like the ending," he replies.
"The movie was called Pompeii, did you really not know how it was going to end?" I ask.
"Yeah, well I figured that much but the way the main characters died was dumb," he says.
"Dumb, making-out with a hot, shirtless guy sounds like a fantastic way to die too me," I reply.
He shrugs his shoulders and says "It was still dumb."
I never went out with him again.

What is that age exactly?
I yawn as I pull on my bathrobe and head upstairs to breakfast. Still trying to wake up I stagger up the last step and almost bump into my grandma. 
"Oh, sorry Grams. Morning how are you?" I say.
My grandma steps up to me and brushes her finger across both my eyebrows. 
"I have some tweezers at home that I think would really help you. I'll bring them next time I come," she says with a nod and walks away.
...
Well, that's one way to start the day.
What is that age where elderly people can just say whatever they want and get away with it? 
I am looking forward to it :)

Medical Middle Man

Overhead page is heard: "Whitney please report to the nurse's station, Whitney please report to the nurse's station." 

I arrive at the nurse's station to see Dr. Walcott standing there with his arms out to his sides.

"Where the heck is the respiratory therapist? I ordered those treatments two hours ago! This is ridiculous!" Dr. Walcott says obviously upset about the situation.

"He's been really busy down in the ER and hasn't had a chance to get up here. Want me to call him and let him know you are here?" I ask.

"Yes you do that," Dr. Walcott  sharply replies.

I dial the respiratory therapist phone number.

"Respiratory therpay's phone this is Calvin," I hear a male voice say on the other end.

"Hey Calvin it's Whitney on 3rd...," I start to say but get interrupted.

"I know, I know I still have that patient I need to come see. Sorry it has just been really busy down here," Calvin quickly says. 

Dr. Walcott taps on my shoulder.

"Tell him that unnerving tension he is feeling around his neck is my hands on his throat," Dr. Walcott says to me obviously annoyed.

I pause for a moment to think.

"Um Calvin, Dr. Walcott is up here and he was happy to hear you were the respiratory therapist on today because he thinks you are fantastic and would like to know what time he will get the privileged of working with you on this patient up here?" I sweetly say into the phone.

Dr.Walcott laughs and shakes his head at me. He turns to the charge nurse.

"I should higher her as my PR person," he says with a smile.

"He didn't say that," Calvin says back to me through the phone.

"Close enough," I reply.

"Um, tell Dr. Walcott I'll be in 15 minutes," Calvin says.

"Perfect, thank you Calvin," I say and hang up the phone.

"He will be up here in 30 minutes," I replay to Dr. Walcott.

"30 minutes, sounds good," Dr. Walcott says and walks off.

My charge nurse, who has over heard this three-way conversation, turns to me and says, "And that is the difference between a new nurse and an experienced one."

My wallet was stolen

Ring Ring

"Hello," I said into my phone.

"Hi, I'm calling because my wallet was stolen," said a man's voice on the other end of the phone.

"Dude that sucks," I reply.

Pause

"Um... is this the police station?" asked the man.

"Nope," I reply.

Click

Boat Ride Anyone?

My sister went in to my parents house to pick up the boat. She walked in to find my 87 year old grandpa sitting on the couch. Jokingly she asked "Anybody want to go boating?" 

"Yup," my grandpa replied. He got up from the couch and got in the truck. 

My sister looked at my dad, my dad looked at my sister.

"So I guess you are riding with me?" my dad finally said.

They headed to the river, got the boat in the water, got my grandpa in the boat. Everybody was having a great time. My dad turned to grandpa and asked

"When the last time you were in a boat?"

My grandpa thought about it for a second.

He answered "World War II."

The Christmas Kid

The three year old stood quietly and watched intently as his older sister and brother approached the white bearded man in the red suit. His sister promptly sat on this strange man's kneel and talked with him for a moment. Then the bearded man handed her a sucker and she jumped down.

"What do you say to Santa?" his mother asked of his sister.

"Thank you Santa," he heard his older sister reply.

Again he watched as his older brother did the same thing. He sat on the strange man's knee. They chatted for a moment then Santa handed him a sucker and he jumped down also saying thank you as he left. 

It was then the white bearded man turned to the three year and waited. I could see the hesitation and deep contemplation in the young kid's face. Then, gathering his nerves, the three year old approached and stated, "Just give me the candy and leave me alone." With rosy, red, cheek and a nose like a cherry. The white bearded man handed the kid a sucker and laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.

When in Doubt, Quote a Movie

There I stood at the bedside of a patient who had just survive major head and neck surgery. Tragically one of the drains the surgeon had placed in his neck had clotted off and wasn't working. The surgeon was concerned he was going to have to take the fragile patient back into surgery to replace it. I stepped up and told them I thought I could fix it just by replacing one of the parts. So gowned up and gloved up I stood there sterile ready to replace the drain. On the other side of the bed stood the peanut gallery of the surgeon, the surgery nurse and the anesthesiologist. 

Just as I leaned in to get started the surgeon looked at me and asked, 

"Do you know what you are doing?" 

I couldn't help myself.

"I have been trained to disarm a bomb in complete darkness using nothing but a safety pin and junior mint, I'm sure I can change some tubing without screwing things up," I answered.

The peanut gallery just stared at me. In the back ground my fellow co-worker snickered and said,

"I love that movie." 

The surgeon looked at me and asked,

"What did you say your name was again?"

(If you haven't seen the movie "Knight and Day" with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz, I highly recommend it.)

Why You're Still Single

"If you could have any man in the world who would you pick?" my coworker asked me.

"Ooo, I think I would have to go with Thor," I replied.

My coworker nodded in agreement.

"Chris Hemsworth is a mighty fine man," she concurred.

"Yeah but I want the Thor version of him. You know the armor, red cape and the sexy accent," I replied.

My coworker turned and looked at me.

"And that statement just clarified as to why you are still single," she answered.

I thought about that for a second.

"So true."

The First Thing We Asked

My mother and I went to The Bodies Exhibition at our local museum. We walked in and went to the first exhibit. 

We both stood there quiet for a few seconds.

"How do they keep them from rotting apart?" was the first thing I asked.

"Who has to dust them?" was the first thing my mom asked.

It's a Day Pass

"Green Shore Golf course Matt speaking may I help you?" I hear the voice on the other end of the phone say.

"Hi, yes, I don't know anything about golf but do you guys have like a gift card I give as present for someone?" I ask.

"We don't do gift cards," Matt says.

"Really? You don't do any kind of gift card?" I reply.

"It's called a day pass," Matt sternly replies.

"Then can I buy a day pass?" I say.

"Do you want a tee time on it?" Matt asks.

"What the heck is a tee time?" I reply.

I hear a big sigh on the other end of the phone.

"Do you want a start time scheduled?" Matt asks.

"Can't I just get a general, use-whenever-you-want kind of gift car.. er day pass?" I ask back.

"How many holes do you want?" Matt asks.

"How many holes can I get?" I ask clueless.

Another big sigh.

"9 or 18," Matt replies.

"Let's go with 18," I answer.

"Do you want to add a golf cart?" Matt asks.

"No, he can walk," I reply.

"That comes to $24.99 total," Matt says.

"Great, how late are you open?" I ask.

"The last tee time is a 8:00 tonight," Matt answers.

Pause

"So, how late are you open?" I ask again.

"I'll be here til 9:00," Matt flatly replies.

"Thank you," I answer and quickly hang up the phone.

(Two hours later)

I enter Green Shore's club house and walk up to the front desk.

"Hi I need to buy a day pass," I say with a smile.

"Oh, you," the guy at the front desk says.

"Yup," I smile even more obnoxiously.

Um...the Body?

Nurse Tina had just said goodbye to the family of her patient who had passed away from natural causes. It was an expected death but any death is difficult. Tina called the funeral home the family had asked her to and got all the paperwork in order for the pick up. The funeral director arrives.

"She's in here. Let me give you a hand," Tina said showing the funeral director into the room. 

"That would be great thanks," the funeral director replies.

Together they lift the body onto the gurney and cover her with a red velvet cloth. 

"The service elevator is down the hall and is closer to where you parked and away from the public," Tina says as she guide the now occupied gurney down the hall. Tina pushes the elevator button and the doors open. Together they steer the gurney onto the elevator and the funeral director pressed the 1st floor button.

"Oh did you grab the paperwork?" the funeral director asks.

"Crap, I left it on the bedside table," Tina replies as she quickly steps off the elevator and hustles back to the room. She grabbed the paperwork off the bedside table and turns around to see the funeral director standing behind her.

"Ah there it is," the funeral director says taking the paperwork from her.

"Um, the body?" Tina states. Both Tina and funeral director glance back in the direction of the elevator.

"Uh oh," the funeral director says before they both madly dash back down the hall to the elevator. Tina presses the elevator button and the elevator doors open to reveal an empty elevator.

"Oh crap are you kidding me?" Tina states as they both step onto the elevator and frantically pressed the 1st floor button. They travel down the 5 flights and arrive at on the 1st floor. The elevator doors open and there standing in the hallway was an ER nurse leaning against the velvet covered gurney.

"Corey," Tina says recognizing her fellow co-worker.

"Did you lose something?" he says indicating to the covered body behind him.

"She was in hurry to leave and didn't wait for us," Tina replies. The funeral director is hyperventilating in the background trying to recover from his panic attack.

"When the elevator doors opened I thought it was a joke. I was waiting for someone to jump and scary me. So here I had poking at the thing talking to it like it's one of my co-workers pulling a prank when lo and behold it's an actual dead body!" Corey says.

"Jokes on you," Tina says.

Beware of Sweater Fuzz

Gymnastics has always been one of my favorite things. This one particular day I had several things I needed to get done before my class that evening. So to save on time I put on my leotard then a pair of sweat pants and a new black hoodie I had just bought. I ran around all day and got everything done and made it to my gymnastics class just in the nick of time. I whooped off my black hoodie and my sweat pants revealing I was all dressed and ready for class. This particular class was an hour and half long. Towards the end of class my coach told us to line up in front of the big, wall, mirror and work on our handstands. I faced the mirror and raise my hands above my head in preparations to kick into a handstand when I saw something that horrified me. That black hoodie I had been wearing all day had left black fuzz in the creases of my arms pits! I looked like I had ape-hairy armpits! I quickly brushed away the black fuzz showing I really didn't have amazon woman armpit hair but by this point is was too late. Can you think of a sport where your arms are above your head more than in gymnastics? No one ever said anything to me but that was probably my most embarrassing moment, ever. Stupid black sweater.

You Weren't Moving Fast Enough

A woman in her late 50's had hip surgery and had been on crutches for the last several days. Do to the fact she had recently had surgery she had been resting and hadn't been outside in several days. One sunny afternoon she decided to crutch her way outside. She crutched her way down the yard enjoyed the beautiful day for a moment then headed back in. Later that same day her mother, a woman in her late 80's, came to visit her. The woman told her mother "I was outside for a only a few seconds and look I got two bug bites on my leg." The Mother looked at her daughter and said "You weren't moving fast enough."

All Yours

I am a nurse and was taking care of a patient who had a severe case of COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder) This condition is a long term breathing problem. It is a horrible problem for the patient feels as if they are suffocating. Often COPD is associated with long term smoking. Many of these patients suffer from an extreme amount of anxiety but if I was suffocating from the inside out I would be anxious too. The doctor and I were in the room talking with the patient. I was asking her the standard questions. 

"Do you smoke?" I asked.

"Yes," she answered.

"Do you suffer from anxiety?" I asked.

"Yes," she answered.

"Do you take anything to help your anxiety?" I asked.

"Yes, cigarettes," she answered. 

I turned to the doctor and handed him the patient's chart.

"All yours," I said.